Everything I Want To Be

They called me fat and flabby,

And told me that I’d look a lot prettier if I lost a little weight,

Like as though fat is the synonym of ugly.

 

They called me chubby and plumpy,

Sugarcoating their thoughts that were already laced with venom.

Little did they know,

That the dimensions of my body was too wide to fit into their narrow minded society.

 

They called me dark and dusky,

And told me that I was way too beautiful for someone with this skin tone.

Like as though the night isn’t just as beautiful as the day if not more.

 

They called me pale and pasty,

Confining my abilities within the color of my skin.

Little did they know,

That the shackles of this judgmental society was not strong enough to restrain me from being who i wanted to be.

 

We are all being sorted into categories,

Tagged and labeled,

Put into little compartments,

And shut into the closet of judgment,

Curbing our growth,

And restraining our freedom.

 

We are all being judged,

Humiliated,

Shamed,

And shunned out of the sanctuary of the very existence of our souls,

Forcing us to hate our very own bodies,

Forcing us to hate our very own existence.

 

I do not fit into this society,

I wasn’t what they were looking for,

For they all wanted tall, fair and beautiful,

But I was much more than all of that put together.

 

I was brave,

I was compassionate,

I was loving,

I was considerate.

 

I was everything I wanted to be,

And I was everything they would never be.

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You And Me

Every time I looked at her,

I felt a tiny pang of jealousy,

Knowing that she was a much better person for you to be with.

Much more healthier for you,

And she was so much more you,

Than I would ever be.

You and I?

We were poles apart,

Like stars in bright daylight.

Your goodness shone around you,

While my light faded into the brightness that surrounds me.

And her light was just as bright as yours.

Complimenting your aura,

But not fading away.

And still you chose me,

Over her,

Over everybody else.

You continue to make this choice,

Every single day of your existence,

And I am eternally indebted to you.

For you chose ordinary over beautiful,

Clumsy over graceful,

Lazy over motivated,

Fragile over strong,

And flawed over perfection.

Though you give me absolutely no reason to worry about anything at all,

My sense of reasoning ceases to act,

Knowing perfectly well,

That I am nothing more than ordinary,

While she is everything beyond extraordinary.

I’m afraid that someday,

You will see how very ordinary I am,

How I’m not good enough for you,

And how you’re worth so much more.

I’m afraid that when that realization dawns upon you,

You’ll stop choosing me……

And that is one thing I dread more than death itself.

For that day my soul will cry out to the heavens,

Hoping for a miracle,

Hoping that things would go back to how they used to be,

Hoping that in the end it would be just you and me.

Unstoppable

I scream aloud in my mind,

Unable to contain myself any longer.

I scream,

I shout,

I cry,

And I explode,

But all only in my head.

Putting on a bright facade,

I walked around like the world was all mine.

But on the inside,

I was a corpse in motion.

Breaking into pieces,

And crumbling to dust.

I try to pick myself up,

And put myself together.

But I lay there unable to move,

Unable to help myself,

Unable to do anything at all.

I felt like ripping my flesh right off my bones,

Shredding it into pieces,

And setting it all ablaze.

Even all of that put together,

Doesn’t begin to explain,

The kind of pain I was going through.

But was I going to let this pain engulf me,

And weigh me down?

Was I going to let it take over me,

And rule my life?

Was I going to sit aside,

And let it define me?

Or,

Was I going to pick myself up,

And rise above it all?

Well……

I chose to rise above the ashes.

And at that instant,

I knew that I was unstoppable.

For I realized that,

Only for as long as I gave other people the power to destroy me,

Could they succeed in doing so.

Only for as long as I gave them authority over my heart,

Could they continue to crush it.

The decision,

Is all mine.

And I now choose,

To pick myself up,

And rise.

Rise above pain,

Rise above heartbreak,

And rise above betrayal,

For I am unstoppable.

Almost Stranger

The worst part about looking back?

It is the possiblities of what could have been.

And then it hits you……

Slowly in the beginning,

Then all at once.

Though they are only memories,

A faint echo of the past,

A possiblity……

A fresh wave of pain smacks me right in the face,

Burning my nostrils and suffocating me,

While I fight for the very source of my life,

And for a control over the direction my emotions have taken.

Fury, pain, agony, anguish, frustration, desolation, rage, despair, loneliness, regret……

And a million other emotions wash over me.

Emotions I can neither name nor understand.

But our motive was the same,

To make that burning disappear,

To fill my aching void.

The only thing that was now left of me.

In a long time now,

I began to feel a sense of dread,

But what i dreaded?

I couldn’t figure.

And for the first time ever,

I found myself feeling lonely……

Alone I stood,

Even in the midst of people.

Grieving over lost memories?

Or was it lost love?

Or a possible future that is no more existent?

I wasn’t sure.

Though i wasn’t ready to accept it yet,

Deep down I knew what I’d compromised on,

What i’d lost,

To gain something that no more gave me the joy and satisfaction i was once assured it would give me.

The joy of carefree laughter,

The company of caring friends.

The warmth of a loving family.

The loss of a content life when we’d almost made it,

The destruction of an almost happily ever after.

But most importantly……

I’d lost the real me.

And from the mirror now stared back at me,

With tears of regret rolling down her cheeks,

An almost stranger,

With a life of regrets.

Cry Of Pain

In a society that considers men as the pride of its country,

A woman’s voice often goes unheard.

Our society,

That more often than not teaches its women to sit properly,

Seldom taught its men to see properly.

A woman is told to dress appropriately ,

But how often is a man asked to behave appropriately?

And maybe that is why he takes the liberty to treat her as he pleases,

Maybe that is why he thinks it’s alright to touch her inappropriately.

It’s alright to grope her,

It’s alright to graze past her.

It’s alright to harass her,

It’s alright to humiliate her.

Cause who really cares about her anyway?

All that really matters to a society,

Is the so called pride of its country.

Her anguished cry of pain is silenced,

Just like her hopes and dreams.

Her right to expect the respect she deserves,

Has become void,

Empty and painful.

But no unholy act can reduce the holiness of her sanctuary.

Her body is her sanctuary,

Not your object of pleasure.

For sooner or later she will stand up for herself,

And her silence will scream,

Scream louder than anything you’ve ever heard before……

And your sanity will not survive her turbulence.

Indestructible

Every night she lay panting on her floor,

Curled up in a ball,

Clutching her sides together,

To keep herself from falling apart.

But that was an inevitable part of her nights,

An inevitable part of herself.

And as the rain came down with all its intensity,

So did she……

Her pain came out in little sobs,

While her heart broke down to rubble.

She was the purest form of love,

The incarnation of kindness.

She wore her heart on her sleeve,

And her emotions on her face,

For she was beauty at its finest.

But not everyone is capable of appreciating beauty,

This she failed to understand.

And so they easily managed to shread her apart,

Into unrecognizable bits of her former self,

Broken and disoriented.

Every night she tore herself apart,

Blaming herself for things she wasn’t responsible for.

Even in her misery,

She was only making their lives easier.

Could she get anymore vulnerable?

Anymore human?

They took her vulnerability as a sign of weakness,

But it was her biggest strength,

It was a part of who she was.

Her vulnerability gave her the opportunity to put her pieces back together,

In ways she’d never thought was possible,

After every break down,

Coz she drew her strength from her so called weakness.

All this she did in the darkness of the night.

But when the sun rose,

So did she…..

While the sun lit up the sky,

She illuminated the lives of people.

Putting her broken pieces back together,

She stood,

Whole and indestructible.

Stronger,

And wiser than she’s ever been.

Lost Soul

Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick……

Said the clock,

While anxiety threatened to engulf her.

She cried and whimpered and kicked in her sleep,

Fighting the demons of her darkness.

Panic rose within her unconscious self,

And she screamed herself awake.

Clamy beads of sweat broke out all over her face,

While she sat upright,

Trying to make sense of her unnamed fear.

She looked around for some explanation,

But found none.

She tried to calm herself and go back to sleep,

But eventually this unexplained fear became a part of who she was.

She always let her tears flow freely,

Holding nothing back.

“She cries at the drop of a hat!”,

They thought.

And anxiety smirked at them.

Her heart raced at the slightest of noise,

And her muscles tensed,

As though preparing her to fight an unseen predator.

But little did she know,

That this predator could easily out smart her,

If she didn’t run for help soon enough.

These strange feelings,

She couldn’t name.

Her ignorance was her biggest flaw.

She found solace in isolation,

But the fear wouldn’t abandon her.

She could take this no more!

All it took was a slit of her wrist,

To bring her the calm she was longing for.

Anxiety laughed wickedly at its victory,

While they wept over her lost soul.

Another illness ignored,

Another life destroyed.