One Last Time

As I walk into these gates again,
A flood of memories wash over me.
Every nook and corner of this now empty place,
Has a story to narrate,
And a memory to be relived.
I walk past this chapel,
That has heard a million prayers for help,
And witnessed even more silent tears of sorrow.
I walk past this playground,
The place that not just moulded athletes,
But also taught a lot of us that life was all about picking yourself up every time you fall down.
I walk past this stage,
That taught me to believe in myself,
And grab the chances that came my way.
I walk past this library,
That has witnessed more of our whispered secrets,
Than all the books they’ve ever held.
I walk past these classrooms,
That were once full of laughter,
And full of life.
I walk past these blackboards,
That didn’t just impart knowledge in us,
But also taught us never to let our grades define us.
I walk past these benches,
That have beautiful stories carved into them,
That will live here forever.
I walk past these corridors,
Reliving childhood,
Reliving memories,
Reliving laughter,
Reliving tears,
Reliving friendships,
Reliving fights,
Reliving life.
I walk past these memories,
Of strangers that turned into friends,
And friends that turned into strangers.
Of friends that turned into family,
And friendships that turned into memories.
Some sweet,
Some bitter,
But nevertheless worth reminiscing.
I walk hand in hand with nostalgia,
Wishing I could go back in time,
Just to relive those days one last time.
I now walk past this place,
That is home to me,
And will forever be.

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Lost Cause

I’ve began to be extra cautious before letting an individual enter the walls I’ve built around myself,
I guess being judged over and over does that to you.
I’ve tried changing my appearance,
And the habits that were once a part of who I was,
For I have fallen out of love.
I’ve fallen out of love with myself,
I’ve fallen out of love with my once beautiful self.
In an existence full of battles,
Being placed under a microscope that constantly judges and scrutinizes you,
Does not make anything easier.
I now stand at the threshold to the doors of depression,
With the intensity of the battle weighing me down.
I stand with one leg in and one out of the threshold,
While I fight this exhausting battle,
The battle of life.
Pushing me further away from the doors of happiness,
Pushing me further into the doors of depression.
The battle has been so threatening,
That I’ve forgotten what happiness feels like,
I’ve forgotten what hearty laughter feels like,
I’ve forgotten what peaceful sleep feels like,
I’ve forgotten what a content meal feels like,
i’ve forgotten what life feels like.
While the battle continues to rage on,
Pushing me further into this strange but familiar world,
My world comes crashing down on me.
How much longer can I hold on?
How much longer can I hold these doors open?
How much longer can I keep fighting?
I did not know.
And just then in the fraction of a second,
The resilient doors of depression,
Broke free of my human hold,
And snapped shut right before my eyes,
Shutting me out from the world of happiness,
While I helplessly watched on,
With outstretched arms.
Reaching out to the doors in one last attempt,
I let out a silent cry of grief,
Knowing that now life was out of reach,
Help was out of reach,
Happiness was out of reach,
And now I was a lost cause.
Perhaps I’d never know what is to smile,
Ever again……

Everything I Want To Be

They called me fat and flabby,

And told me that I’d look a lot prettier if I lost a little weight,

Like as though fat is the synonym of ugly.

 

They called me chubby and plumpy,

Sugarcoating their thoughts that were already laced with venom.

Little did they know,

That the dimensions of my body was too wide to fit into their narrow minded society.

 

They called me dark and dusky,

And told me that I was way too beautiful for someone with this skin tone.

Like as though the night isn’t just as beautiful as the day if not more.

 

They called me pale and pasty,

Confining my abilities within the color of my skin.

Little did they know,

That the shackles of this judgmental society was not strong enough to restrain me from being who i wanted to be.

 

We are all being sorted into categories,

Tagged and labeled,

Put into little compartments,

And shut into the closet of judgment,

Curbing our growth,

And restraining our freedom.

 

We are all being judged,

Humiliated,

Shamed,

And shunned out of the sanctuary of the very existence of our souls,

Forcing us to hate our very own bodies,

Forcing us to hate our very own existence.

 

I do not fit into this society,

I wasn’t what they were looking for,

For they all wanted tall, fair and beautiful,

But I was much more than all of that put together.

 

I was brave,

I was compassionate,

I was loving,

I was considerate.

 

I was everything I wanted to be,

And I was everything they would never be.

You And Me

Every time I looked at her,

I felt a tiny pang of jealousy,

Knowing that she was a much better person for you to be with.

Much more healthier for you,

And she was so much more you,

Than I would ever be.

You and I?

We were poles apart,

Like stars in bright daylight.

Your goodness shone around you,

While my light faded into the brightness that surrounds me.

And her light was just as bright as yours.

Complimenting your aura,

But not fading away.

And still you chose me,

Over her,

Over everybody else.

You continue to make this choice,

Every single day of your existence,

And I am eternally indebted to you.

For you chose ordinary over beautiful,

Clumsy over graceful,

Lazy over motivated,

Fragile over strong,

And flawed over perfection.

Though you give me absolutely no reason to worry about anything at all,

My sense of reasoning ceases to act,

Knowing perfectly well,

That I am nothing more than ordinary,

While she is everything beyond extraordinary.

I’m afraid that someday,

You will see how very ordinary I am,

How I’m not good enough for you,

And how you’re worth so much more.

I’m afraid that when that realization dawns upon you,

You’ll stop choosing me……

And that is one thing I dread more than death itself.

For that day my soul will cry out to the heavens,

Hoping for a miracle,

Hoping that things would go back to how they used to be,

Hoping that in the end it would be just you and me.

Unstoppable

I scream aloud in my mind,

Unable to contain myself any longer.

I scream,

I shout,

I cry,

And I explode,

But all only in my head.

Putting on a bright facade,

I walked around like the world was all mine.

But on the inside,

I was a corpse in motion.

Breaking into pieces,

And crumbling to dust.

I try to pick myself up,

And put myself together.

But I lay there unable to move,

Unable to help myself,

Unable to do anything at all.

I felt like ripping my flesh right off my bones,

Shredding it into pieces,

And setting it all ablaze.

Even all of that put together,

Doesn’t begin to explain,

The kind of pain I was going through.

But was I going to let this pain engulf me,

And weigh me down?

Was I going to let it take over me,

And rule my life?

Was I going to sit aside,

And let it define me?

Or,

Was I going to pick myself up,

And rise above it all?

Well……

I chose to rise above the ashes.

And at that instant,

I knew that I was unstoppable.

For I realized that,

Only for as long as I gave other people the power to destroy me,

Could they succeed in doing so.

Only for as long as I gave them authority over my heart,

Could they continue to crush it.

The decision,

Is all mine.

And I now choose,

To pick myself up,

And rise.

Rise above pain,

Rise above heartbreak,

And rise above betrayal,

For I am unstoppable.

Almost Stranger

The worst part about looking back?

It is the possiblities of what could have been.

And then it hits you……

Slowly in the beginning,

Then all at once.

Though they are only memories,

A faint echo of the past,

A possiblity……

A fresh wave of pain smacks me right in the face,

Burning my nostrils and suffocating me,

While I fight for the very source of my life,

And for a control over the direction my emotions have taken.

Fury, pain, agony, anguish, frustration, desolation, rage, despair, loneliness, regret……

And a million other emotions wash over me.

Emotions I can neither name nor understand.

But our motive was the same,

To make that burning disappear,

To fill my aching void.

The only thing that was now left of me.

In a long time now,

I began to feel a sense of dread,

But what i dreaded?

I couldn’t figure.

And for the first time ever,

I found myself feeling lonely……

Alone I stood,

Even in the midst of people.

Grieving over lost memories?

Or was it lost love?

Or a possible future that is no more existent?

I wasn’t sure.

Though i wasn’t ready to accept it yet,

Deep down I knew what I’d compromised on,

What i’d lost,

To gain something that no more gave me the joy and satisfaction i was once assured it would give me.

The joy of carefree laughter,

The company of caring friends.

The warmth of a loving family.

The loss of a content life when we’d almost made it,

The destruction of an almost happily ever after.

But most importantly……

I’d lost the real me.

And from the mirror now stared back at me,

With tears of regret rolling down her cheeks,

An almost stranger,

With a life of regrets.

Cry Of Pain

In a society that considers men as the pride of its country,

A woman’s voice often goes unheard.

Our society,

That more often than not teaches its women to sit properly,

Seldom taught its men to see properly.

A woman is told to dress appropriately ,

But how often is a man asked to behave appropriately?

And maybe that is why he takes the liberty to treat her as he pleases,

Maybe that is why he thinks it’s alright to touch her inappropriately.

It’s alright to grope her,

It’s alright to graze past her.

It’s alright to harass her,

It’s alright to humiliate her.

Cause who really cares about her anyway?

All that really matters to a society,

Is the so called pride of its country.

Her anguished cry of pain is silenced,

Just like her hopes and dreams.

Her right to expect the respect she deserves,

Has become void,

Empty and painful.

But no unholy act can reduce the holiness of her sanctuary.

Her body is her sanctuary,

Not your object of pleasure.

For sooner or later she will stand up for herself,

And her silence will scream,

Scream louder than anything you’ve ever heard before……

And your sanity will not survive her turbulence.