A DULL ACHE

Dragging myself out of bed everyday has been a struggle.
The exhaustion weighing me down,
Even after the endless hours of slumber.
Most days going by in a flash,
Blurring one day into the next,
That I barely notice the days passing by.

I’m so lost in the nothingness of it all,
That the passage of time often slips by unnoticed.
The day turning into night,
The hours turning into days,
Days into weeks,
And weeks into months.

Most days I move around in a daze,
Feeling nothing at all.
Unable to differentiate what I am going through from the reality of things.
The nothingness stretches on endlessly around me.
No matter how far I look,
It is all I can see.

Shouldn’t this be easier?
Feeling nothing at all,
Instead of it all coming crashing down on me.
Shouldn’t this be better than the hurt, the tears and everything in between?
Somehow it doesn’t feel that way.

Feelings are a very complicated thing.
They never are as simple as they seem to be.
Some days I’m angry,
Some days I’m confused.
Some days I’m sad,
Some days I don’t feel a thing.
And on other days I can’t figure out where one seems to end,
And the other begins.
All entwined into one large mush.

They say that understanding your emotions makes it easier to deal with.
Yet here I am struggling.
I wish I could just separate them,
Put them into neat little distinguished compartments,
Label them,
Put them away,
And never have to deal with any of it again.

But unfortunately,
That’s not how it works.
And grief?
It comes in waves,
Time and time again.
Crashing against you in angry waves at first,
Slowly fading into a constant ripple over time.

Letting go of someone who was once a major part of our life,
Can be really crushing.
It will take time to accept the loss,
Make peace with it,
And live a life without them.

But the scars of what you’ve endured?
They’ll remain,
A dull ache for what you can’t have.
To show you how much you were loved,
In order to feel pain this deep even after all this time.
To show that you are capable of so much love.
And with time comes healing.
That’s the beauty of life,
Isn’t it?